Reeh Look here!

Parashat Reeh  begins with Hashem essentially explaining, "Look, you have a choice. And choices bring about cosequences..."
This is something the girls and I talk about all the time. This week Cohava suffered a 'no ice cream' consequence followed by her parents suffering severely in the consequence of a miserable kid. I wonder if   Hashem feels like this when we experience negative consequences...

We are in the US now, enjoying summer. Walking outside, I announced, "Look!" All around us are wild blackberries.
Gabi, thinking of pe'ah, shichecha, and leket, asked if they were only for poor people. I explained that we were allowed to eat it, but there is another agricultural law they should know.
"In Israel, in addition to saving food for the poor, some food must be saved for the Kohanim. It is put to the side, with a bracha, and called Terumot and Maasrot."
"Like taking challah?" they asked.
"Exactly! But if we pick blackberries now, we don't have to do it."
"Why not?!?"
"We are in America. We were in Australia. And before that we were in Israel. Only in Israel is food saved for the Kohanim. The fruits of Israel are most special than any other fruits in the world."
"Wow," said Cohava. Gabi began reciting the seven species in Hebrew. Then everyone started picking blackberries.

 The problem with picking blackberries is that you cannot eat them right away because of potential bug infestations. 

At home, with our bags of berries, I got ziplock bags. In each bag I put some of the berries and then double bagged it. (Important for fighting the potential berry explosion).

Then the girls set to work mashing berries. This could obviously be done in a blender, but it was a lot more fun for them this way.

 I loaded the berries into a pitcher and added 1/3 c of sugar.  The sugar could easily be omitted. 

 Then we stirred the compound.

To get rid of the bug problem, we froze the compound. Then I cut some peaches and we poured water over the berry glop to make berry juice. Berry peach juice was good. 

Later we tried it by mixing the frozen compound with apple juice. It was even more delicious. If we were in Israel we would share it with the Kohanim.

Shabbat Shalom!

Loving the 17 Tammuz/3 weeks/9Days/Tisha B'Av

We are in the most dreaded time on the Jewish calendar. During the three weeks and reaching an apex on Tisha b'Av there are many prohibitions as we mourn the destruction of the Temple. 

Let's be honest. How many people really mourn the Temple? Of course we want mashiach and the Third Temple. But do you really miss the Beit Hamikdash and the korbanot? Can you even relate to the building destroyed two thousand years ago? Most people go through the motions of mourning rituals, but who really feels the right emotions? And if adults struggle, how can we pass the significance to children?

Let's start with the 17th of Tammuz, the beginning of the mourning period. The mishna recounts five events on this day:

1. Moses broke the two tablets of stone after seeing the golden calf
2. The daily tamid offering ceased to be brought
3. The walls of Jerusalem were breached (proceeding to the destruction of the Temple)
4. Prior to Bar Kokhba's revolt, Roman military leader Apostomus burned a Torah scroll
5. An idol was erected in the Temple.

Ironically, it is the first, the one which occurred furthest away from my lifetime, which fills me with the most visceral feeling of loss and mourning.  Because it means the most to me, it is the area I would most focus on with children. It is a story they are likely to know, but when told with emotion, they will also feel guilty about the golden calf and the consequences.  
But my children do not focus on the historical components of the day. They just want to fast like grown-ups.

The 17th of Tammuz starts the Three Weeks of mourning. In this time, weddings, haircuts, music, and public entertainment are prohibited. Who is effected by these prohibitions? They are similar to the prohibitions in the omer, so the gravity of the situation at this time isn't felt as harshly. 

Rosh Chodesh Av starts 'The Nine Days. As it says in the Gemara, when we enter Av our happiness is reduced. This is in direct contrast to Adar, when our happiness is increased. Children (everyone) knows when Adar is starting, with singing and excited anticipation of Purim. For Av more prohibitions begin:

• Home improvements, painting and new construction
• Planting trees, flowers or grass
• Laundering clothes, towels, tablecloths and bed linens
• Wearing new or freshly laundered clothing
• Making or buying new clothes, towels, tablecloths and bed linens
• Eating meat or poultry
• Drinking wine or grape juice
• Bathing for pleasure
• Swimming for health or exercise

These prohibitions are felt much more by everyone. Everyone is asking about menu ideas when meat is forbidden. I find it ironic that the people who are most disturbed by it are the same people who love the dairy on Shavuot.

For Sephardim, many of these prohibitions do not begin until "shavuah she chal bo', the motzei Shabbat before Tisha b'Av. Most still refrain from meat and wine throughout the nine days.

The prohibition on meat and wine is to remind us that animal sacrifices and wine libation offerings ended. But the main objective of these prohibitions is to reduce our happiness. I think something on this list (and the previous one) saddens everyone. Many people go a bit mad without meat and alcohol. I miss retail therapy and hot showers. And the laundry after Tisha B'Av can be horrendous! 

During our moaning about the restrictions are we thinking about the Temple? Confession: I am not.

By Tisha B'Av, I might be. 
Now, in addition to all the other restrictions, we add:

1. No eating or drinking;
2. No washing or bathing;
3. No application of creams or oils;
4. No wearing of leather shoes;
5. No marital relations.
6. No greeting others.
7. Less comfortable sleeping
8. No learning most Torah
9. No sitting on chairs (until midday)

After the seudah mafseket, sitting on the floor reading kinnot by candlelight, I am finally mourning the tragedies of Jewish history. Are the three weeks meant to bring me to this one apex of emotion? What if I don't achieve it?

My theory is as follows:

Our sages have taught (Talmud, Yoma 9b) that the first Temple was destroyed because of the following three things: sexual immorality, widespread murder and idolatry. Hopefully, you aren't guilty of any of these. Thankfully I know I am free of these sins. 

The second Temple, however, the sages taught, was destroyed because of one singular reason: baseless hatred (sinat chinam). It is harder to claim innocence here. What exactly is hatred? What is baseless? Debating this can be splitting hairs. 

But the opposite, baseless love (ahavat chinam), is easier to grapple with. Or at least, love (with a base) is tangible and very relevant. And this love is the antidote to the destruction we mourn during the Three Weeks. Love? That is the solution to all the pain in the world? That should be easy! I love! I love myself, my spouse, my kids, my friends...

First of all, those loves aren't baseless. Second, do you love them as much as you could? Let's have another look at some of these prohibitions and how they relate to our love.

Music. I enjoy listening to music. In the car, I like to play the radio during school drop-off and pick-up. I listen to the music instead of listening to the children. Turn off music, turn on sweet voices and ideas of my children. 

Music is only one of the prohibitions of the three weeks, but it sets the stage for detaching from our distractions and working towards that ideal love.

During the 9 Days, I am not busy doing laundry, gardening, shopping, or relaxing in the shower. I am 'free'. And this free time needs to be spent loving. Loving my family, calling friends to connect, doing chesed to share love with others. 

And then comes the dreaded ninth of Av. Now there are so many prohibitions! I am hungry and thirsty, I got a poor night sleep, my feet hurt, and I feel dirty. Here is the real test! We can't even say hello, but we need to show love and patience. I have a household of screaming kids! How can I do it? 

Somehow we need to do it! No one is perfect, but now is the time to try to elevate your behavior. 

The feeling of Yom Kippur and Tisha B'Av are very different. Yom Kippur is a solemn day, but not a sad one. Tisha b'Av is the saddest day of the year. 

But there are many similarities. Just like many prohibitions of the day are similar, so to is the period leading up to it. Yom Kippur is preceded by Rosh Hashana and the Ten Days of Repentance. In this time we are working on self-improvement and taking stock of our behavior.

Do you really use all 10 Days of Repentance to repent? Do you procrastinate those feelings and then work really hard right before Yom Kippur? The Sephardi practice of only keeping the week leading up to Tisha b'Av follows this mentality. We don't need nine days of wallowing in dirty clothes. The week before is sufficient time to feel the mourning to this caliber. This is just another example of Sephardim being 'lenient' in their understanding of the human psyche. 

No matter what minhagim are kept during what time period, the objective should be the same. Love! Get rid of the distractions and just show love. According to the gemara, Mashiach will be born on Tisha b'Av. Of course! His birth and coming will be created by the love we show each other, in spite of our own desires, needs, and distractions.

Now, hopefully I have made this period more relevant to you. How will we make it more relevant to our children?

Last year the children were superheroes for the three weeks.  I highly recommend this very successful approach. You can have a frank conversation about love in the three weeks, and expressing goodness for everyone around us.

But Tisha b'Av itself is very hard. My girls were very good last year. This year I need to raise the bar. Cohava is 6 but has an idea that fasting is very cool and is desperate to try. Obviously we won't let her. But we told her 1) she can fast from the start of the fast until a late breakfast. 2) She will only be eating bread, water, and vegetables.

Modified sleeping arrangement usually means fewer pillows. We told the girls it would be fewer stuffed animals in bed. They were truly mournful. 

Have a loving, easy, and meaningful fast. May our efforts bring Mashiach this week.

Devarim Digital Diaries

Parashat Devarim recounts the sojournings and (mis)deeds of bnei Yisrael in the wilderness. Last year for parashat Devarim we made Devarim Diaries. The girls cut and pasted pictures of themselves and we talked about what happened in the various photos. Since I really enjoy documenting and reflecting with the girls, this year's project follows the same theme. But this time we are doing it in the 21st century. With our ipad, I took video of the girls reflecting on their year and life in Australia. Sadly, youtube is taking forever to upload the videos. Soon the shortest video, about our house, should be here. After Shabbat I will try to include more.
Shabbat Shalom!

Safe space in Matot-Masei

The double Torah portion of Parashat Matot-Masei  covers a variety of interesting topics. Last year we focused on kashering dishes. It was fun. This year I decided the focus would be ir miklat, the city of refuge for someone who unintentionally commits murder. Obviously, this theme is very heavy, but there are some very valuable parts of this concept for children.
"Of course we will never kill someone. But have you ever done something by accident you were upset about?" I asked the girls. I already knew the answer.
"Yes," Cohava whispered. "I didn't mean to drop the glass and break it."
"I know. How did it make you feel?"
"I was sad and scared. Sad that there is no more koala cup. And scared you and Abba would be cross with me."
After validating her feelings and explaining how no one was upset with her, I pointed out that someone who was running to an ir miklat feels the same way (and guilty, but guilt is a discussion for another day).
"You don't need to go to an ir maklat, but do you like to go to a place where you feel safe?"
"I am in bed now, with my fuzzy koala, so I feel safe and good," Cohava confirmed.
When I asked Gabi if she had a safe space, she thought about it and replied, "I feel safe when I am with my family."
"I am glad you understand feeling safe. What can you do when you are upset, feeling sad or scared, and can't get in bed or be with family?"
"Why can't I get in bed with koala?" Cohava asked anxiously.
"Maybe you are in class, at school."
"Oh. I'd ask for the pass and sit in the bathroom until I felt better."
"That is a good way of handling it, Cohava. It is good if you can change where you are to feel better. The bathroom would be your ir miklat."
"If I couldn't leave, I would pretend I did. I would pretend I was in our house, but it would be a different house. It would still be [our address] but it would be pink and near the beach. And if I were scared I would pretend to be there," Gabi shared in a rush. I wonder how often she goes there.
We discussed how things are better when we have some time to relax and think about what went wrong and how we can fix it or do it better next time. Or to think about something altogether different.

Initially my plan with ir miklat was to get a group of kids together and play ir miklat tag. Everyone has to run to the Ir miklat base, before it tags them. Or some variation thereof.
But in the end, I think teaching my girls a method of dealing with anxiety is more valuable. Seeking a physical or imagined safe space is an important life skill.

Pinchas- bringing about change

Parashat Pinchas covers a variety of information. Last year our project focused on the end of the parasha, the Mussaf offerings. This time we compared three events in the parasha; Pinchas killing Zimri and Kozbi, Bnot Tzlofchad, and Moshe requesting new leadership.
It was challenging to tell the girls how Hashem rewarded Pinchas for his brutal behavior (especially after Chukat when we discussed in depth not using our hands to bring about results).
Cohava said, "Boys fight with their hands and hurt people. But girls don't, so we are ok." I thought about pointing out the tussling that transpires between her and her sisters, but before I had the chance she continued. "That is why we have all girls in our family- except Abba. And we need an Abba, because he does the hoovering." Yes, that is why we allow my husband to be part of the family, because he does the vacuum cleaning.
"Yes, we have mostly girls in our family," I agreed. "Shall I tell you about another family with lots of girls in the parasha?"
"I remember. There were sisters who wanted land in eretz Yisrael but it was only for boys," Gabi piped up. How Gabi can remember the parasha from year to year, but not to use a fork boggles my mind. I began to tell the story of the five sisters and their plea for their father's land, as he left no male heir.
"What would you do if it were you?" I asked.
"Cry," Gabi replied honestly.
"Yell,"Cohava added with equal candidness.
Then we discussed the bravery and maturity the bnot Tzlofchad exhibited when they spoke before Moshe and Elazar.
"Now, we have seen how when we want something to change we can either hurt people or ask the people in charge nicely. Can you think of any other ways to get what you want?" I asked.
"You can wait and it will get better by itself," Gabi suggested. She is not a social activist in the making.
"That won't help! You have to make people do it!" Cohava argued.
"Or you can ask Hashem for help."
"Oh yeah!" replied the girls.
I then told them how Moshe asks Hashem for new leadership to take over after his upcoming death, to lead the Jewish people into Israel.

I am always awed by the relevance of the text of the Torah to today. Logic would dictate that the Torah would become obsolete and irrelevant. Of course Hashem overrules logic.
This week's newspapers showed me how the text of parashat Pinchas is as relevant today, around the world, as it was more than 3000 years ago.

Early in the week, the New York Times ran an article about how primogeniture is still the law for the aristocracy in the United Kingdom.  The battle begun by Bnot Tzlofchad has not ended in the UK, in spite of seeming equal rights among genders.

The method employed by the daughter's of Tzlofchad, petitioning and lobbying the major decision making bodies, is certainly being used today. This week's US Supreme Court ruling which voted DOMA unconstitutional, was the result of years of extensive lobbying. 

Passing the mantle of leadership occurred this week, as the position of Prime Minister moved from Julia Gillard to Kevin Rudd, although I doubt she requested God's help in being overthrown.

In South Africa, Nelson Mandela, the greatest leader their country has known, is looking at the end of his life, much like Moshe in this parasha. 

All major English speaking countries have headlines this week which echo the messages of Parashat Pinchas, and how change is brought about. If I read other languages, I am sure I would have found an honor killing, similar to Pinchas' actions. The Torah could not be more alive and relevant today.

To highlight the means which we should most use to render change, requesting from the leadership and engaging with the Divine, the girls made paper dolls.  First they made the five female lobbyist. They they made Moshe.

With pre-cut paper chains, markers, glue, and scrap fabric, they got to work. 

The five sisters

And Moshe.

 Instead of Challah this week, I got bagels to pay homage to Pinchas' actions. 

 And Ruti had her own idea of what constitutes five sisters and was working to create a collection of ' five babies'.

Tova was not impressed.

Balak: O-hell, what is this?

From last year's adventures my girls have a good handle on Parashat Balak. They remembered everything except the word  'אָתוֹן' [ah-tone] the Hebrew word for Bilam's female donkey. I marvel that some children's texts use the term 'she-ass' instead.

This year I decided to focus on Bilam's third bracha of the Jewish people, specifically "מה טבו אהליך יעקב, משכנותיך ישראל"[Mah tovu ohalecha Yaakov, mishcanotecha Yisrael]. Bilam, who has already failed Balak twice in cursing Bnei Yisrael, opens his mouth and proclaims, "How beautiful are your tents Yaakov, your dwelling places Yisrael. 

What made their homes so praiseworthy to Bilam? Surely from his position high on a hilltop he is able to see very little detail. Rashi says that Bilam is remarking on the arrangement of their tents. The dwellings were close together, showing the achdut [unity] of the Jewish people, but the openings were arranged in a way to maximize modesty.

Nice, but what about the repeated language in the phraseology? Aren't 'tent' and 'dwelling place' synonymous in this context? Aren't Yaakov and Yisrael the same person? Ramban explains that Bilam's words are not an observation, rather a prophecy. The tents are for sojourning in the wilderness, but the dwelling places will be the Jewish people's home in Eretz Yisrael.

Beautiful. But it doesn't answer the double name question. When I think of tents, I think of Sukkot, the temporary homes, used for the festival of Sukkot. The first mention of Sukkot in the Torah is in Bereshit 36:17. Yaakov has wrestled with the angel. The angel informs him that his new name will be Yisrael, but Hashem has not given it to him yet so he is still 'Yaakov'. After this episode, Yaakov names his next sojourn 'Sukkot' for the temporary shelters he made there. The name Yaakov is tied to physicality and struggle. He names 'Sukkot' when he is still Yaakov but has been informed of his potential as 'Yisrael'. 'Yisrael' means "to prevail over God." The potential to prevail is there, but 'Yaakov' does not actualize it.

Sukkot, 'אהליך יעקב - the tents of Yaakov', represent the Jewish people in their physical and superficial state. We are good, even in our basic form, because of our never-ending potential for greatness at God's hands. Bilam recognizes that in the first part of his praise. The second half of the phrase, 'משכנותיך ישראל - your dwellings Yisrael' is the Jewish people attaining proximity to our potential. Temporarily we are in tents of physicality, but when we work to achieve to the higher spiritual levels, it becomes a real dwelling place, where we stay and prevail. May we be able to achieve this as we start the period of the three weeks.  

Needless to say, I did not share my insights on this with the girls. Maybe in a few years when they can reason more abstractly. 

In the meantime they made a tent city. 

Using the template here I printed a few pages of tents. (I don't understand the cause this page is connected to so ignore the bottom instructions about decorating). 

I also printed the words of 'mah tovu' in Hebrew and English so the girls could work on reading. 

With colors, scissors, and glue sticks, the girls got to work. 

 Before I got pictures Gabi's went missing. Here are some of Cohava's masterpieces:

Jealousy- Korach

As soon as Shabbat ended, I started teaching parashat Korach. It went something like this:
"This week's parasha is called 'Korach'."
"We should make yummy sugar almonds like Aaron's staff," Gabi piped up. Right. From the title, she remembers the entire parasha and the project we did a year ago. That is why things must be different this year.
"Oh, yah. I remember those. They were yummy," Cohava agreed.
I should make some for dessert.

We talked at length about what fueled Korach's behavior. Jealousy! If you know a child, or any human, who never struggles with jealousy, I am impressed. Jealously is an emotion everyone experiences from time to time.
"Is it ok for a person to think, 'Wow, Moshe is amazing!'" I asked the girls.
"Yes, because Moshe is amazing," Cohava agreed.
"What about, 'I want to be just like Moshe!'?" Cohava nodded. Gabi looked uncertain. "I think it is ok to feel that way," I clarified. "But what about, 'I want to hurt Moshe so I can be where he is?'"
"Definitely not!" Gabi exclaimed.
"Right. You should try not to think it, but you definitely shouldn't do it." Then I re-ran the whole scenario but replacing 'Moshe' with 'Gabi or Cohava'.
They got it in theory. But actualizing it, overcoming jealousy, is not so easy.

"Jealousy is when you count someone else's blessings instead of your own" is a quote I like. In order to help the girls count their own blessings, our project of the week revolved around self-appreciation and affirmations.

At dinner one night, I asked the girls to reflect on their 'blessings' what they are very good at. To get the ball rolling I explained how Gabi's memory is a special gift she has from Hashem.
"I remember things too," Cohava remarked. And as we went on, this jealousy became a struggle. I tried very hard to make them name different things.
"I am a good artist," Cohava remarked.
"Me too," Gabi chimed in.
"True, you do both make beautiful pictures. Gabi, please use your fork to eat."
"I am a good listener," Cohava added.
"Me too!"
"Gabi, if you are a good listener, why aren't you using a fork?"

A few days later, I gave the children photo frames with very large frames. On cardstock I had written some of their 'special talents'. With a bottle of glue, their talent words, and some sequences, they got to work decorating.
Really the frames could not hold all of the wonderful things about my girls. Their brachot from Hashem are really unending.

 But it is a start. One day I might do something like this 101 Affirmations for Children. Building the self-esteem and self-worth of our children is crucial.  And for everyone around us.

The midrashim in this parasha depict two contrasting women. Korach's wife's tells him that he is worthless compared to the leadership, that unless he puts them down, he amounts to nothing. With those messages coming from home, he is drive to his heinous behavior and it is no surprise that the punishment involves his entire household being consumed by the earth.

When Korach begins rallying followers, Onn Ben Pelet is mentioned as one of his supporters. But Onn is not one of the punished. The midrash is that his wife said, "Moshe is your teacher and you are his pupil. If Korach is in charge, you would still be a pupil." 'Value who you are. You aren't going to change, you need to value yourself for who you are.' She deters Korach and the other mutinous men from speaking to her husband.
We need to do everything we can to build up ourselves and everyone around us to value our own wonderful worth and count all of our brachot from HaKadosh Baruch Hu.

 Shabbat Shalom!